Life, Pregnancy, Christmas, Boyfriend?

I guess I should probably update my blog more often, I must admit I have gotten pretty slack with the updates! So lets just go through the things the title says, Life is going alright for the moment. People seem to be geunionly happy for me when I tell them i'm expecting a baby. I don't know why though, i'm 17, I don't want a baby and the father is no where in it's life. I guess the thing that has been pissing me off is my so-called-friends. They don't seem to understand I have feelings? I mean who knew really! I tell them how I feel about this baby and next thing it's all around school. I have people preching to me about all this different stuff and to see a doctor, counsellor they can help and to think about adoption not abortion (which I wasn't anyways, I mean if I was going to I would have done it 4 months ago!) I mean I tell my 'friends' these things in private if I wanted the world to know about my feelings I would speak openly about it! People just don't seem to care anymore. My pregnancy is normal (thats what my doctor tells me but I wouldn't know I have never been pregnant before) No more morning sickness anymore, baby is kicking an awful lot especailly at night which is doing wonders for my sleeping pattern. I think I might finally get round to doing some things in the nursery this week. I don't know why I have been putting it off, guess when the cribs up and the walls are painted its all so permanent. I really don't know but I need to get it finished because i'm already 22 weeks and it just seems to be flying by! Especially the last few weeks, they have gone really fast! And MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone. I had a nice day with family and friends, got some lovely gifts and a hell of alot of baby stuff! I mean it's nice to get all tose wonderful things and saves me alot because I don't have to buy them, but the baby isn't even here yet and it's all about him/her makes me feel a little insignificant. I know that sounds so stupid, but it's my feelings. It's like i still want to be a teenager, not a pregnant teenager or a mom yet. And the last bit of my title, Boyfriend XD I have met a really nice guy, his name is Brendan. He is 18 and recently moved into our street. He's a senior at my high school and just a really sweet guy. We have been hanging out alot and just getting to knwo each other, nothing serious yet but we do certainly have some kind of connection. He doesn't care i'm pregnant, well he doesn't show it and he's really caring and kind. The type of guy I need in my life right now. I guess i'll see where it all takes me.

Pink or Blue?

So I had my 20 week ultrasound and I was a little excitied because I would be (if i could) finding out the gender. I had hoped that knowing the sex of my baby and being able to prepare more would make my choice clearer. I don't know what I expected really, to know the gender and instantly fall in love with my baby. Do a total 360 turn and want to be a mom and be ready to be a mom? Really I don't know why I think half the things I do anymore. It's like I still somehow live in a magical fairyland and everything is going to be alright. Of course nothing ever goes as expected and because of the baby's position they couldn't tell me for sure the gender. My doctor does however think it's a GIRL (70%) but because she can't see any boy parts because of the position it could still be a boy. I'll know for sure though at my next ultrasound. My doctor did tell me not to get my hopes up on either gender because nothing is certain yet. Of course it would only happen to me, so I basically have another couple of weeks without knowing anything for sure. But after all this I have started preparing some names as well as getting a few things started on the nursery. I need to get some more pictures up but haven't had time, especially with school and everythign else going on. I'll post the names below.

Kenzie Adeline Stevens
Payton Amelia Stevens
Aaliyah Montana Stevens
*Tasmyn Marie Stevens
Elora Reese Stevens
Morgaine Stephanie Stevens
Nayomee Luna Stevens
Aylin Cassidy Stevens
*Ariana Nicole Stevens
Eva Lousie Stevens
Audrey May Stevens
Phoebe Renee Stevens
*Brooklynn Hazel Stevens
*Kennedy Jane Stevens
Lyra-Marie Stevens
*Cheyenne Grace Stevens
*Ellery Jolene Stevens
Shayla (needs middle name) Stevens


Layton Keith Stevens
*Bentley Quinn Stevens
*Elliott Hunter Stevens
Lucas Bradley Stevens
*Skyler Clark Stevens
Fletcher Michael Stevens
*Oliver Austin Stevens
Mason Ryan-James Stevens
Jonah (needs middle name) Stevens
Isaac Haden Stevens
Malachi James Stevens
Lucian Jensen Stevens
*Colson Griffin Stevens
*Finn Thomas Stevens

*=my favourites
I have a few more girls names than boys, but girls names are totally more fun to pick out!

Gender?

It's only a few more days until i'm 20 weeks pregnant and I have my untrasound booked and I can also find out the gender then. I don't know if I really want to. I want to, because I think it may make the choice easier. I may feel more of a connection of my baby and find this choice alot easier because i'm still so confused. I don't really have a perference for a certain gender. I know some people do, they want a girl or a boy. I just don't really want a baby. I don't want to find out the gender because i'm scared, it's going to just make everything more real than it already is and my mind will be made up, and i'll have to keep the baby. I don't know so much to think about. I guess i'll just make my mind up on the day...

I don't know

I don't know what to even write here anymore. The struggle to open my eyes everyday is becoming harder and harder. I don't know what to think anymore, I don't know how I am. I'm not the same girl who started this blog a few months ago. I guess I was still carefree. I hadn't expected everything to be this hard, make so many choices so quickly. Choices that change my life. I'm now nearly 19 weeks pregnant, thats 19 weeks of my life I won't get back. I don't know what to think, my words just never seem to come out right. I have had weeks of sleepless nights trying to figure out whats best for me and this baby. One night my mind sets it's self on adoption, the nest keeping it. Does it have to be this hard? Can't I toss a coin to get an outcome? The problem with keeping this baby is not to do with money as most teen parents worry about, it's the emotional side of things. I know if I keep this baby it will be really well loved and spoilt by everyone expect for me. That can't be fair can it? People say i'll grow into it, that when I see my baby i'll love it more than ever. But feeling like this right now makes my confidence in that statement fade a little more each day. I don't know if I can take that risk? Then adoption, the child would be such an amazing gift and be surrounded by love and happiness. But I don't know if I could cope with that. I know that sounds so stupid, that I feel like i can't love this baby then I feel like can't handel having him/her adopted out. But thats what all this trouble is. How can I make the choice that is right for me and the baby? There is no clear choice and I don't want to have any more regrets than I already do. I'll try to update more, about the pregnancy rather than my thoughts and turmoil, but I guess it's all part of the pregnancy.

Adoptions Vs Keeping it

My head is plauged with constant thoughts of what my life would  be like as a teen mom, as a single mom at 17 years old. I wish I could go back in time and take back everything, take back the last few years of my life, just re-do them. Change my ways and live and make everything worthwhile. But the truth is I can't, I can't take anything back this is my life now. I'm so miserable, there hasn't been a night in the last 3 months where I haven't gone to sleep without crying. I'm not myself, I don't smile anymore, i'm not eating and if I am it's just junk food. I don't talk to my friends anymore. I'm isolated in my own little world. My mom and I are fighting all the time over whats going to happen with this baby. I feel nothing towards it, I feel like i'm just getting fat, or that it's a terrible sickness that isn't going away. Looking back as terrible as it sounds I wish I had an abortion. I can't handle it all. I'm scared that if I pick adoption in some strange turn of events I won't be able to do it, how can I look at my baby every few months and see him/her calling someone else mommy? Then a closed adoption, to never see or hear my childs voice again, I don't think I could live like that. Then on the other side, keeping the baby. I can't even begin to think about how hard it will be. Who much of my life will be put on hold. I don't think i'm ready for it, I don't think I can do it. I don't know how people do it, how can one person be so strong? How can a teenager be expected to care for a whole other life? I just don't know. I'm so scared about everything thats happening to me.

17 weeks :O

So i'm now 17 weeks. I have included a picture. I have put on soooo much weight, and it's not because i'm pregnant it's because i'm getting fat! All I seem to do is sit on the couch and eat! I mean i'm just not motivated to do anything else. I feel so unfit, unhappy. I know I should keep up with some walking or something just to keep fit and healthy. My morning sickness has finally stopped! I still feel a bit gross some mornings but I haven't actually thrown up in nearly a week! Thats at least one good thing that has happened. My back has really started to ache this week, it's just their constantly. It's not unbareable, but it's annoying and in certain positions it gets really uncomfortable. At 16 weeks 6 days I felt my first movement! I don't know if it was a kick or just baby moving. It was so strange, I don't know how to describe it, it just felt so real, that it's all happening now. This week mom is paying people to come and paint the nursery. I really wanted to work on it and do it but she doesn't want me anywhere near the paint - even though you can get speical paint that you can use when your pregnant and thinks thats its too much work for me and thats what people work for so we can pay them to paint. She's so uptight about everything! I know we have money and everything but she just throws it around and because w ehave money we can't possibly paint our own room! There is just no point to even say a word because in the end she is supporting me and thats what I need. I also have support from my cousin who I spoke to on facebook yesterday! It was so great to talk to her again, she's so amazing and i miss her so much, she is more of a sister to me than Daniella. She's really excitied about me having a baby, where Daniella just looks me up and down, nothing has changed really. Casey ven said she's coming to visit after Christmas! It really made my night! I'm just off subject now, i'll post again in a few days!



Bump Pictures

I took my frist set of pregnancy/bump photos today. My mom has been pushing it so much she thinks I should go get them professionally done and all that crap! She keeps saying how beautiful pregnancy is, all I feel is horrible all the time, ashamed and embarssed! I just grabbed my dads camera a took a couple. I'm 16 1/2 week here, I have a couple more but they don't seem to want to upload right now so i'll add them later. I'll take more at 17 weeks and try and do them every week or so. I have only just started to really show the last 2 weeks, so i'll be growing each week for sure :\

Names

Kenzie Adeline
Paris Lyric / Paris Roselyn
Payton Amelia
Aaliyah Montana / Aaliyah Gabrielle
Tasmyn Abigail / *Tasmyn Marie
*Elora Reese / Elora Hailey
Morgaine Stephanie
Erin Marie / Erin Patience
*Nayomee Luna / Nayomee Ivy
MaKenna Bailey
*Aylin Cassidy

Layton Keith
Bentley Reagan / *Bentley Quinn
Elliott Davion / Elliott Hunter
Lucas Bradley
*Skyler Clark / Skyler Nathan
Fletcher Colton / Fletcher Michael
Colton Ashton / Colton Skyler
Zavier Noah
Oliver Mason / *Oliver Austin

* = my favourite names

Updates 14 - 16 weeks

I can't believe i'm not 16 weeks pregnant. It's all happening so fast i'm not prepared for all this yet! I know I have been lacking in updates the past few weeks but I have just been so busy with school, parents, baby stuff. So the last two weeks have been just hetic. Finally my morning sickness has started to ease off. Mornings are alot easier to get up and go to school now, I don't spend an hour on the bathroom floor just throwing up. My belly and bump and now really visable I 'popped' last week. So now everyone at school can basically tell that i'm pregnant. I have had a few girls come up and offer to support me and talk about it which is really nice but i'm still clearly the outsider. I mean we are all connected by being pregnant or having children but I'm just the different girl I never was one of them, i'm not proud or happy about being pregnant. My mom keeps pushing me to do the teen mom extension program so i can graduate early but I don't think I can be around all pregnant girls all day. I mean most are excitied about becoming a mom. they are picking names talking about buying clothes and what they are doing with the nursery. Most are also still with the father. It just makes everything so complicated. My mom has also been really pushing names and getting everything ready. It's really annoying because I just want to pretend like it's all not happening. The crib arrived last week and is still sitting where the delivery guy dropped it off. I mean most girls would have put it up got all blankets and toys and filled it up. I just feel like when i open it it's going to spell the end of my life. I have thought of a couple of names and I will post them in a seperate post. I am thinkful my mom is pushing me and doing so many things, I mean it needs to be done I just don't want to do it. I know I can't keep putting it off this pregnancy isn't being put off. I also had my birthday at the begining of the month. i was going to blog but didn't have much to say. I just felt like crap. I saw relatives who I hadn't told the news to yet. Well my mom had and all i got was stuff for thee baby. So it didn't even feel like my birthday. Everyone seems to be more positive than I am, saying everythign will be fine and will work out. I just can't see anything working out. I can't seemmyself rasing a baby and being happy. I don't want to give up my life for this baby. It's not fair for me or this baby that i'm feeling like this. When i tell someone they just tell me to put it up for adoption, I can't do that either. I feel selfish and horrible. I'm twisted and confused. My mind flips to one thing then flops back. How can i be expetced to care for another life? Also an update on James. My mom said we neededd to file for child support, we have given him enough time to come around and he hasn't. So we went over to his parents house to tell them about it and they got the shock of their lives because he hadn't even told them I was pregnant let alone it was his baby. They had heard things about me being pregnant and asked him but he just didn't answer. They were mad and disappointed in both of us. But they said they wanted to be in the childs life as it is there grandchild even if James isn't. I don't know how I feel about that truely. They also asked not to file child support right away that they would help out with expenses and also talk to James and try to get him to step up and deal with it. It just adds to the drama. I don't want him half back in my life thinking he can see his child but leave whenever he wants as well. My life just contuines to get complicated!

Just a note

I don't care what your life is like, I don't care who you date, who you kiss and who you do god knows what with! You're immature, childish and don't deserve the title of a father. You walk around showing off what you believe is a perfect life, your new perfect girlfriend who is more plastic than a barbie doll! You don't seem to have a care in the world, you pretend like everything is alright, you pass me and I feel you look at my belly but you don't have the heart to stop and talk with me, ask if everything is okay. Ask about YOUR baby. After being hurt enough i'm not going to take it anymore. You didn't have to be involved if you didn't want to but I needed your support! You have a baby who needs your support. But now i'm not going to watch you or let you hurt me or my baby anymore. You're nothing to me anymore! You are not this babys father and never will. You're a cold hearted coward and I want nothing to do with you. I will make sure you are mnot in mine or the babys life. You will however be paying for this child. I don't care that you are broke. It takes two to make a baby and whatever money and benifits I can get from you will go towards building a better life for myself and my baby. I really hope you wake up one day and realise when it's too late what you have lost. Right now keep on living your pathetic little life. You're dead to me!

Teen Mom Program?

So my mom made me an appointment at a Teen Mom extension program. It allows me to graduate early with full credits so I don't have to worry about finishing school or anything when the baby comes. Personally I don't want to do this extension program; I want to just continue with normal school, with my friends. I want to graduate with the people I have been with my whole high school life. My mom seems very set on sending me to this program, she has left the choice up to me, but it talking it all up and I have a test day next week. I don't know why she is so set on me going; I don't see why she wants me to go so badly. When the baby does come I’ll take probably 2 months off school then would go back and complete my senior year. I want to be there for senior year; I don't want to accelerate past all that and never get to experience it. I'm going to miss out on so much already when the baby comes, I don't want to miss out on this as well. I also don't want a lot of change, I have enough that’s going to change I want to keep one thing normal in my life, school seems to be that constant. Well I’m 15 weeks tomorrow, I can't believe it really. Going really fast, I’m showing now and it's hard to hide it. I'll do an update post soon.

Dear Baby;

Dear Baby;

You are nearly 15 weeks in the making, that’s only 25 weeks until I meet you. I know 25 weeks will just fly by and you will be here before I know it. It seems weird that I have such strong, emotional feelings for you, something so small that’s only a few inches long. It’s so strange, people keep telling me everything will work out, things have a way of working themselves out and not to stress, but I feel I have no control or anything. No control over my body, it’s just getting bigger, my life anymore everything is going to change in a few short months when you arrive. I still don’t know how to love you, how to feel about you. I just want a sign, to know that everything will be alright, we will be alright. I think things would be a lot easier if you daddy was in our lives. I know it’s not going to be great growing up with just a mom – me as a mom. I wish there was some way he would come back, I know that somehow he does love you, he will love you. I have to believe that. I have to believe that I will love you too. I started painting your room, then couldn’t finish. The paint just seemed so permanent, that room wouldn’t be the same after it. It was like a metaphor about you in my life. I don’t want you to ever feel unloved, unappreciated, or that I never wanted you. It’s hard to explain all my feelings, to tell you that they were all lies or just pregnancy emotions. I know most of them are and I’ll move past them. But deep, deep down I’m worried that it’s actually telling me something. Maybe I’m not ready to love like this yet, take on the challenge. Maybe I’ll only let you down, maybe you deserve better than all of this, and maybe this was just one big mistake.  Maybe I should stop taking chances that what’s gotten me here. Maybe I should just listen to that little voice in my head for once, do the sensible thing. Give up and close this chapter? But then I think about you, I talk to you and somehow I feel a tiny bit closer to you, just somehow I feel like you’re here for a reason, one I really don’t understand. I just wish things would make sense, be black and white. Baby I feel horrible every day, please give me something to believe in again!

-Lori (your mommy)

Halloween

Well it's Halloween. I really used to love this holiday, gave me an excuse to get out of the house and party with my friends. But this year Ashlee and Carla have said they are coming to get me and we are going back to the simple days of trick or treating. I have no idea what i'm going to dress up as. I'm thinking something totally scary, because we are going back to the roots fo Halloween. If I wasn't pregnant I probably would be dressing up as something skanky or be too drunk to even remember the night. But I have changed so much the couple of weeks, I feel like that person wasn't even me. I never wanted to be that person, so lets not make this post about it, it's about Halloween. So Ash and Carla are taking me shopping after lunch today. I feel like i haven't been out of the house -expect for school- in forever. Be nice just to go out with my girls. I'm hoping it might put some things into perspective, talking with them, having them give me their opinions etc. So i'm really excitied about my day I have planned. I am however scared that i'm going to be out trick or treating and people are going to notice my belly, and just be looking at it, I guess people don't know what they say when they see me. They probably feel sorry for me and instead of saying anything they just stare. Even though i'm not showing alot, depending on my costume tonight my bump may be visable. I'll post more about my pregnancy and bump in another blog, but i'm thinking about some sleep so I can actually make it to trick or treating tomorrow. I'll post how it goes as well XD

Oh Baby

I don't know what to say to you. How do I say anything? I feel like you have ruined everything, all my plans for the future, my teenage years all the journeys and fun and life I had still to live before I settled down and became a mom. I know it's not fair to blame it on you; after all you didn't create yourself. I just wish I could put all my feelings into words, write them down and be done with them. How do I know I will love you, because right now all that I feel is miserable and regret towards you. How am I going to look at you, and say 'I love you' and mean it when right now the only thing I want to happen is for you to disappear? I feel like a terrible person for thinking this, I know how many couples would kill to have a baby, be pregnant and expediting all of these emotions. Watching their belly grow, feeling the baby move, have cravings, morning sickness. They would enjoy it, but all I feel is miserable. I want to just want to lock myself in my room and pray that it all goes away. Maybe I’m being selfish, keeping something I don't want, that I never wanted. I feel like I should give someone the greatest gift possible. I just don't know how I would cope with that. How do I go through 9 months of pregnancy, the hate, pain, lost opportunities then just had a baby over. I feel it's the 'easy way out' I made the mistake and I’m just handing it because I can't deal with it, I can't change and don't want to change everything for a baby I feel I can't love. I feel so useless, worthless, like I’m nothing that I don't deserve to love this baby, I can't love this baby. My emotions change from feeling sorry for myself, too angry, to upset. I think I can't have this baby, I’m not good enough, and I can't be good enough. Why me, why? I just keep playing that question in my head. What do I have to does it makes it go away, what do I have to do to change these feelings. I don't know what I want to do, or what I’m going to do. How 6 months ago felt normal compared to now, what I would do to go back to those days.

Pregnancy - 13 weeks

I'm now 13 and a half weeks pregnant so i'm out of my first trimester. I have terrible morning sickness, well all day sickness really and just a terrible gag reflex. I can't eat or smell food until after mid-day without the risk of throwing up. I'm still has tired as ever as my body is adjusting to the pregnancy and everything. I'm not sleeping well, and I think thats just because of all the stress which is going on in my life. I know i need to sleep because in a few months that will even be off the cards as my belly grows bigger. I have also had this last week Heartburn and indigestion, which I have never had before in my life. Also I have been having  round ligament pain, it's not too painful but I can feel a sharp pain usually on the right side of my belly. It normally only happens when I have been sitting around and get up or do some sudden movement.It usually just means my uterus is strenghing for the baby, which means my belly is growing and starting to show more. I'm now just over 38 inches (which is just over 1 inch growth in a week and a bit) and seem to be just growing more and more. Baby is around around 2 1/2 to 3 inches long and weighs about 7 ounces, she he/she is growing. I still don't 'feel' pregnant. I know that I am now but I just can't feel it, I can't put my hand on my bump, I haven't felt my baby move. I just don't know how to feel. I'm still scared that i'm not going to be able to love my baby, that when I look at him/her all I will see are the regrets, miss opportunites and hurt that has come because of him/her. I don't want it to be that way, but i'm scare I will. I don't know what i need to do to convince myself otherwise, how do I know that I will love this baby. I'm still figuring alot of things out and i'm hoping by the time my baby is born my feelings will be completely different to what i'm feeling now. Because right now I just feel regret, like i have made a huge mistake in deciding to bring up this baby, to be a 16 year old single mom.

Possible Nursery

I love this one, for a girl.  

I think this one is perfect and nuteral. I love the wall painting

                                              I love this ones wall, but think it's a bit boyish

I think it's a great nuteral nursery

I know I have been updating alot about the nursery and things the past couple of days, and not on the actual pregnancy, but i'll post later today a 13 week update, because i'm now out of my first tirmester XD So I now have cleaned out the nursery, given it's first coat of base paint and we have also ripped up the old carpet as it was horrible and ratty and ordered some new stuff for when we have finished painting. I have been looking up ideas for the nursery, something a bit gender nuteral that can be added to when we find out the gender to make it completely girly or boyish XD There are som amazing nurseries out there but they all look so expensive! I just want something that is really cute, easy and as inexpensive as possible. These are my favourite ones I have found.

Colours

I got this colour chat off the internet because we are going to get paint, well coloured paint in the next day or two for the nursery. We want to have it all done so all the fumes and everything can be cleared way before the baby gets here. My plan is to paint 3 out of the 4 walls a green colour and leave the last one to be a kind of feature wall painted in whatever colour the gender is, so blue for boy pink for girl. From the colour chart I like 'Pale Green' or 'Aquamaire' for the walls. I also like from the blue side the 'Light Cyan' I don't think thats completly boyish, it's a nuteral colour. Then for the feature wall I like 'Deep Sky Blue' and 'Turquoise' for boys and 'Plum' and 'Light Pink' from the pinks. I would go a darker colour from either of these only the room is really small and a darker colour would only make it look smaller. So if your reading this, let me know your thoughts about it.

The Crib

This is the crib I bought, well ordered from wallmart yesterday. It should be here in about 2 weeks. It's perfect, as baby grows up in converts into a bed and also a crib with much smaller sides, so it will do for a few years. It's also got some storage underneath it, which is perfect! It took me ages to decide, I was tossing up between two and I think I began to piss the salesperson off. Oh well, it had to be perfect!

No School for me!

I'm having the day off school today XD I'm kinda excitied having a 3 day weekend. My mom is taking me shopping to get paint and decorations for the nursery. Their are sales on at my local mall this week so we are able to get the paint as well as other baby things cheap. They end on the weekend and my mom is working alll weekend and won't be able to take me as seeings as i can't go out anymore on the weekend mom has been doing this with me or getting things to keep me occupied and take my mind off being stuck in the house everynight. It's hard because my friends are still going out, they always seem to check with me before to make sure it's alright and of course it is, i'm just feeling a little left out. But tomorrow i'm going to start on the nursery which is so exciting. Dad has just got to finish clearing the spare bedroom/storage room out. It's only really small so there won't be alot of room in there but I figure a baby doesn't need much. It will be perfect for a crib, change table, wardrobe etc. I'm not sure what colours excatly yet, but for now i think we are going with white, then going to paint them green and have one wall still hite so when we find out the gender we can paint it either pink or blue. But nothing too dark as it will only make the space look smaller. I want to get a few cute outfits as well, just simple little jumpsuits that baby can wear and also a few little decorations, some teddy bears, letter stencils for the room. I think i'm going to have a productive weekend. Ash, Carla and Kacey are coming over to help me make a start on Saturday so I will be able to socialise at the same time!

Afternoon with Kacey

I'm sorry for the lateness of this post, I couldn't post about it last night as I just wanted to get the whole James thing cleared up and out of my mind.

So after all that I met up with Kacey at local diner and we just talked about everything. She told me about her boyfriend, he is 18 and done with school and working full time. Her parents have been really supportive and understanding to her and everything is working well for her. She seems to be really happy about everything and even though her pregnancy wasn't planned she thinks of it as fate and is so excitied to meet her baby. She;s finding out the gender at 20 weeks and has picked out names already if it's a boy she's going to call him Jayden Luke or Nathan Rand for girls she has picked out Adrienne Leigh or Marissa Rose. Our situations are both very different, her with all or her support and me with barely any, but we both willing to make whatever our situations are work for our babies. And we are going to support each other in the mean time. This post is only really short I know, I have alot more to say about it, but i'll just update every now and then about me and Kacey. I'm really tired right now and still have to upload and bump picture for Savannah.

Son of a b*tch!!

After feeling pretty good all day and having a pretty good day at school as well as looking forward to meeting up and talking with Kacey later (which i'm blog about in a seperate post) I came out of school to see James standing in the parking lott. As much I despise him right now and everything he has done to me past and present I felt my heart skip I beat when I saw him standing there. I really thought he was there for me, I wanted it to be just like a fairytale. Him sweep me up, tell me he loves me and everything will be alright. But as i'm finding out more and more these days life surely isn't a fairytale. I started to walk over, think he was there for me, even if he just had something to tell me. When I got there he looked at me and just said, 'still with that bastard child' then over my shoulder I heard a girl say, ' she's pregnant?!' I turned to see Naelle. She was such a glamours SLUT. She walked over and just made out with James. Their had been romours around school a couple of months ago when we were still together that he was cheating on me with her, he had assured me otherwise. It just made me even more mad about the whole situation, he never cared for me, all he wanted was someone to take him home, be the caring type, he got all his kicks from other girls like Naelle. I didn't know what to do or what came over me but I slapped James accross the face and said to Naelle ' I am pregnant bitch, you wouldn't want that to happen to you, ruin your perfect figure so i suggest you get the f*ck away from James, he's the father after all you boyfriend stealing slut!' I don't know how i feel after it all, I mean I gave her a peice of my mind, but it's not her fault. Well it kind of is, I just feel so pissed at him, at her. Just pregnancy hormoans. It was an emotional afternoon to say the least!

Today's Date

20.10.2010
twenth of the tenth, twenty ten XD
Might be my lucky day?

Night Blogger

I have noticed that I seem to do all my blogging during the night, well early morning. I think this is because I do my best thinking at night, and because of that I don't sleep. I think for the past week I have had about 12 hours sleep for the entire week, which is less than 2 hours a night. I'm in bed most of the time, just can't sleep beacuse I just have so much to think about a figure out. This is kind of just a blog to follow in the footsteps of my other boring ones full of rambles. One thing exciting did happen today. On one of my very often trips to the bathroom during my first classes this morning I was standing at the sink feeling so terrible and all of a sudden another girl burst in and threw up. She didn't see me when she rushed in and got a shock when she came out I was standing their. I got a shock too when I relised it was Kacey. I was friends, really good friends with her before I turned into a 'bad girl'. She was such a lovely girl, a careful girl. She was not the type of you girl you expected to end up like this. Looking at her, her belly was about the same as mine. As much as she tried to hide it I knew she was pregnant. I said to her 'Kacey are you pregnant?' she quickly shot back 'No, i'm just a little sick I ate something off last night' I knew that was far from the truth. I said to her 'No your pregnant, look at your belly. You must be about 12 weeks?' She held back tears and asked me how I knew, who had told me. I just said I figured it all out, then she looked at me puzzled and asked what I was doing in here. I told her that I was doing the same thing she was and that i'm pregnant too. She ased for the info I told her when I was due the father and how he walked away. She then let out a smile, we are both due on the same day! She told me about her boyfriend and parents reactions and before we knew it the bell rang fr next lesson. We had spent the whole lesson in the bathroom talking. I'm meeting with her today after school. I hope we can become closer and bond over our babies.
Another thing about blogging, after I have done it and let out everything i'm feeling I tend to drift off to sleep better, so as long as that keeps working i'll keep blogging during the night!

Pregnant Girls / Moms

I'm freaking out about people at school finding out i'm pregnant. My bump is getting to be pretty noticable and I can feel people looking at me as I walk the hall ways. I'm not going to try and hide the pregnancy, but I don't know how people will react, and if it's negative how i'm going to take it. Well i'm not the only girl or the first girl to have a baby or be pregnant at my school there has been a couple of girls, well ones which have stayed. Over the last 2 years many girls who are in my year and the year above had dropped out, and many say it's because they were pregnant. So these are the girls who I know at my school who are pregnant or moms. They have their own group, along with girls from two other high schools in the area. My mom has been pushing me to go, but not until i'm further along. I think it will be helpful in a way, but we will cross that bridge when we get to it. The girls are;

Moms
Courtney (senior); 1 year old son Caleb
Abigal (junior); couple month old son Luke
Claire (junior); 1 year old daugther Hope and pregnant
Aimee (junior); newborn son Brayden
Ketti (senior); 2 year old daughter Olivia and couple month old daugther Stella
Mandy; (junior); 6 month old daugther Angel
Catylyn (senior);  2 year old daugther Meghan, 1 year old son Noah and newborn daugther Lyla

Pregnant
Claire (junior); due in January
Laura (junior); due December
Santana (sophmore); due March
Auslin (senior); due November
Manda (junior); due January
Me (junior); due May

I think there may be a few other girls who could be pregnant due around the same time as me, but like me they haven't told anyone yet and they are not showing. I'm surely not alone, as you can see. It's not too great a great reflection on our education to see how many girls are mother or pregnant. Whats worst most of them are friends and have been since before they were pregnant and having babies. I know that if one of my friends sturggled trough teen pregnancy and parenthood I would make sure I never had to go through it. I was reading somewhere the other day that 1 in 3 girls in America will have a child before they are 20 years old. Thats a terrible statistic!

Just things I think about

Being Normal; Oh I how I wish I could have been a normal teenager. Bought up by parents who cared about what I did. Set boundaries, gave me a reason to hate them because they set my cerfew too early or I was caught coming home after I wasn't meant to be out. It just strikes me that if I had some normality in my life I probably, actually I wouldn't have ended up like this, in a rebellious state. Now I wish I could just be a normal teenager, be worrying abaout problems with boys or having silly little fights with my friends. Going out every now and then, having fun. Getting average marks and just enjoying high school life and being and teenager before i have to grow up and start to make it in the real world. I regret the choices I made, the life I made for myself. I see that now.

Relationship with James; I knew it would always cause me trouble, yet I still went there. I don't know why it took me to fall pregnant to realise just how out of touch he was with the world and me. He made everything out to be such an effort, like going to the movies or coming with me or staying sober enough to take me home after a party or at least walk me to my ride. He never said 'I love you' or send me sweet little text messages. All the little things which matter  and make up the relationship. I never once felt those feelings though, I always just blamed it on James being James, rather than James just not giving a shit. Oh how love can be so blind.

This Baby; I don't know the first thing about being mom, how do I know what each cry means? When the baby is hungry, tired or just crying because it can? First I need to make it through the pregnancy. I know i'm going to be getting all types of negative attention in a week or two at school. It seems to be happening really fast, i'm 12 weeks 2 days now, I found out only yesterday it feels like. This is just real, the baby is coming whether I like it or i'm ready. I feeel stupid for making such a big mistake. This baby didn't ask for a teenage mother, someone who can't even look after herself, let alone another human being. Yet I can't think of not having this baby. Does it make me a bad person? I feel like a bad person, I feel like everything is unbalanced. A 16 year old isn't meant to be a mother, and even if they are they can't be the best, even if they want to be. I don't have my own house, spportive partner, money, maturity. It all seems like such a joke, why did it happen to me?

School

I know alot of people have been asking me on stardoll about if people from school know that i'm pregnant. It's kinda a tough questions because I have told my close friends that i'm pregnant and also James knows, and even though he doesn't go to school anymore some of his friends do. But I don't know if he has told his friends, whether he has told anyone about it. So I haven't just walked into school and told everyone 'i'm pregnant' but if people ask i'm not going to deny it, because I am pregnant. It's not like you can tell 100%, like if I saw myself walking the halls I wouldn't assume I was pregnant, but I do have a bump that is noticable, but it kinda depends on what I wear. I'm not trying to cover up and hide it at school but i'm not wearing alot if tight fitting clothe to show it off either.I think there are whispers going around, I leave class a couple of times to go to the toilet because I have terrible morning sickness and pee alot. I guess it's everything that comes along with pregnancy. I measure myself today and i'm about 37 inches. I have grown about 1/2 an inch since last week too.

Can't Sleep

Think stinks, i'm not even out of my first trimester and i'm having trouble sleeping. It's not really because of the pregnancy, mainly just all the thoughts and everything happening in my life because of the pregnancy, it's keeping me up thinking about it all. It's past 2am in the morning, so i'm 12 weeks tomorrow. I just keeping thinking that i'm 1/3 of the way through my pregnancy, which seems so crazy! I mean give it another month and i'll be showing, another couple of weeks after that i'll feel it move, then i'll be twoards the end of my second trimester and only have a few weeks before my baby is here! Mom and I started talking about James and what we are going to do about him and his involvment, I don't want him just to get away scott free. Just because i'm, carrying this baby doesn't mean it's all my responsibilty. We are giving him another couple of weeks for him to come around and offer support for myself and the baby otherwise we are going to file for child support. I'm just worried about how he will react, what he will do. One of the many things keeping me up at night. I'm also craving a midnight snack, but not sure what excatly. Mom is going shopping tomorrow so there isn't much in the cupboards and i'm a little to lazy to walk down stairs to look and find nothing Lmao XD Also keeping me up to talking to Savannah, I love making new friends, espeically with other pregnant girls. She's such a sweetheart, and is going to be a wonderful momma. Hopefull we can keep in contact throughout our pregnancies, it kinda nice to know someone knows how you feel. So i'm going to try for about the 5th time to get some sleep tonight, well it's not even night anymore, it's morning!!

Ultrasound

I'm 11 weeks 5 days now, and I have an appoitnment booked for Monday to have my 12 week check-up and ultrasound. I'm finding it all a little bit exciting to tell the truth. I'm still scared to my wits about how everything is going to work out and how i'm going to cope, but i'm excitied about seeing my baby, hearing his/her heart beat! My mom is coming with me, she is being alot more supportive than I imagined, my dad is still disappointed and dealing with the fact that i'm pregnant. But he has began moving all of the stuff out of the spare room to make it into the nursery. I'm looking forward to picking out colours, cribs, painting the walls. Mom has said that we should make a start so i'm able to help, because it becomes to much for me. This blog post has quickly turned into just another set of updates and nothing really about my ultrasound so I think I should probably stop now, to recap, i'm having my 12 weeks ultrasound on Monday!

Names

So I have been thinking of a few names the last couple of days. My boys list is lacking alot! I can't seem to find any I really like, except for Layton and Bentley. For girls I have a heap of names;
Kenzie
Paris
Payton
Aaliyah
Tasmyn
Elora
Morgaine
Erin
Nayomee
My favourites are Kenzie and Nayomee :) I'm hoping for a girl. I just want a little princess, to spoil her rotten and buy the cutest clothes for her. But I'll be happy with either, as long as I can figure out some boys names Lmao XD

Shopping

As a girl I just adore shopping, especially when i'm spending someone elses money XD Thats exactly what I did today, today my momma, soon to Nana took me shopping for the first of my baby things. Our relationship has been getting better the last week, we are certainly talking more and just spending time together. Of course I don't have the first idea about where I should start with baby shopping. I know the basics, crib, change table, binkies, nappies clothes. But there are so many others things as I discovered today. We went to the local baby shop as well as department stores to get an idea of prices and stuff we will eventually need. I don't want to buy a whole lot of stuff yet thats all gender neutral because I really want to get all girl things or all boy things. So I will be finding out the gender. So today mom bought me, well the baby an adorable little blanket, which is neutral. But it's my first thing for the baby. We plan on getting his/her name embroider into it once we decide. She also bought a cute little pack of green and yellow jumpsuits, the baby's first set of clothes :') We also got a box of nappies because they were on sale and i'm going to go through a hell of alot of them. After shopping we went and had some lunch and we just talked. It's the first time we have done it in about 2 years. I feel our relationship can really be turned around because of the baby. My dad may still need some convincing, but i'm happy I have my mom's support. She said she was proud of how I was handling and she couldn't see Daniella doing half the things I am. She actually spoke badly of Daniella :O I just feel really happy that my relationship with her is back on track. I'm still not sure how I feel about being mom, i'm still scared and not sure whether I have made the right choice I guess only time will tell.

So right now...

I'm trying to plan my next step, i'm sick of just feeling down and sorry for myself. The whole idea of this blog is to inspire me and others to take up and journey to better their lives for theirselves and their baby's. I know I have made mistakes in the past, one of which is growing inside of me right now, i'm not happy that i'm pregnant, it's not my ideal situation, it wasn't planned and i'm not promoting it at all. I don't think I love this baby, just not yet anyways. I wish that I wasn't pregnant all together, that I didn't have to make these choices and change my life so drastically. But I am, and it has put things into perspective, for one having James out of my life I now think i'm a stronger more independant person. I think I will finally believe in myself and have courage to take chances and look into the future. I'm going to continue with school, I will graduate, baby or no baby. I will give this baby the best possible start by finding a job, giving up drinking/smoking and just being toally and completly there for it. As I said before it's been a month of feeling sorry for myself, this isn't going away so I might as well shape up, step up, and do my best to make the most of this situation

LMAO XD

Found this I this and i'd thought i'd share. It made me laugh XD

Girl or Boy?

According too Childbirth dot org I have a 72% chance to have a girl and a 27% chance of having a boy
And Here's Why...You are carrying the extra weight out front, so it's a boy.
The hair on your legs is not growing any faster during your preganacy, so it's a girl.
Girls are carried high. You are going to have a girl.
Sleeping in a bed with your pillow to the north indicates that you will be having a boy.
Your feet are not colder than they were before pregnancy. You are having a girl.
You refuse to eat the heel of a loaf of bread. You are having a girl.
Dad-to-be hasn't been gaining weight along with Mom-to-be, so it will be a girl.
The maternal grandmother doesn't have gray hair (dyed or natural), so a girl will be born.
You had morning sickness early in pregnancy, so you are expecting a girl.
You are not looking particularly good during pregnancy. Therefore, it must be a girl, because girls steal their mother's looks.
Your chest development has been quite dramatic during pregnancy. You should expect a girl.
Since the sum of the mother's age at conception and the number of the month of conception is even, it will be a boy.
A needle on a thread held over your belly moves in circles, so you will have a boy.
Your urine is a dull yellow color, so you will have a girl.
You have a craving for salty or sour foods, which means that it is a boy.
Your nose hasn't changed during pregnancy, which indicates a girl.
You have been craving fruits, so it is a girl.
Your baby's heart rate is 140 or more beats per minute, so it's a girl.

**taken from http://www.childbirth.org/

Just About Me

So I guess I should start right at the begining, my name is Loretta Anne Stevens, but please call me Lori/Retta whatever suits you. I'm 16 years old, was born Novemeber 11th 1993 so i'm nearly 17. I'm the middle child in my family, I have an older sister Daniella who is 20 and a younger sister Isobella who is 14. In my parents eyes they are both perfect and can't be faulted in every aspect of their lives. I guess because of that I gave up trying to win my parents attention and love. Daniella was always excelling at school, or had amazing boyfriends, Isobella was always doing something earlier or better than what I did. It was hard to compete so I gave up. My grades dropped and I no longer cared what people thought, didn't think about my actions and what could happen. I never really fitted into one crowd at school, I mixed and meshed between half a dozen and truely never had a big group of friends. I'd rather hang with the guys, then a group of bitchy girls who could only care about what they looked like and hung off their football player boyfriends. It just wasn't me at all. I guess that makes me a misfit cheerleader as well. I love cheerleading, the thrill of being the flyer and tossed into the air, relying on your team to catch you. I guess because of that I have always been over trusting an never had trust issues. Probably should have been a little bit more cautious, espiecally when it came to James Carlos Slailati.I met him when I was 13 years old.  He was the complete bad boy / joker. The kind that made you go weak at the knees. He flashed his smiles and all the girls seemed to feel the butterflies in their stomachs. I became friends with girls who were friends with his friends and slowly we became closer. His jett black hair highlightered his mysterious, yet devious personality. He seemed to always have a following of someone and always was going somewhere to do something. I never seemed to have a 'crush' on him, I know many did though. He dropped out of school last year and in January he asked me out. I guess I was fitting in with his sort of crowd and I loved the feeling that I was being loved. He wasn't your typical boyfriend, didn't say I love you, buy flowers or do cute gestures. He was always with his 'boys' casuing trouble, drinking it up or smoking. But he was my boyfriend, he made me feel speical like someone cared for me, even though I was always blown off for the better opinion which was usually a night of binge drinking and hot girls. Then there are my two best friends Ashlee and Carla  I love them to death and they know all my secret, fears and the frist ones I call when i'm in trouble. But it didn't really go as planned this time. I mean I really thought I loved James and it was something about the thrill of the 'unknown' when we had sex. He didn't pressure me, but I did feel I had to do it. I guess it got me to here. I'm now pregnant, 11 weeks 2 days. I found out on September 6th an went to the doctors 3 days later to have it confirmed that I was indeed 6 weeks 4 days pregnant. I don't really know what to make of it all. To think of myself. I'm ashamed and scared, so many emotions and feelings I have right now. I hid my pregnancy until I into my 9th week, in all honesty it wasn't too hard to hide it from my parents they don't take much notice of me. The first people I told were Ashlee and Carla, they actually suspected something was up as I hadn't been out nor drinking in a week or two and started questioning me. I cried and let it all out. first there faces were blank, a look of confusion, horror and scaredness. But they have been nothing but understanding and supportive since then. Telling my parents was hard, I had no idea how they would react. They just looked at me, didn't say much, make a scene. Just went on everyday life. it annoyed me so much, I just wanted them to make a scene do something tell me how they feel. Now after many conversations I know they are going to support me and our relationship is getting better it will never be as good as it is with my sisters. Telling James was the hardest, mainly because I didn't know what I wanted from him. Now that i'm pregnant looking at our relationship I just see how bad it really is and how broken and I don't love him, I don't know if I even like him now looking back. He never showed he cared I mean when I found out I was pregnant I stayed away from him, and he didn't once call, text or even check on me. For all he knew I could have been dead. When I told him I expect him to blow up, and he did. He yelled and called me every name under the sun. In the end he told me he wanted nothing to do with either of us. So now here I am. I'm going to be a mom in a matter of months and i'm on a course to find myself, be a better person and give my beautiful baby. I'm scared and not sure how it's all going to work out but all I know is i'm trying my best to give my child the est chance in life.