Oh Baby

I don't know what to say to you. How do I say anything? I feel like you have ruined everything, all my plans for the future, my teenage years all the journeys and fun and life I had still to live before I settled down and became a mom. I know it's not fair to blame it on you; after all you didn't create yourself. I just wish I could put all my feelings into words, write them down and be done with them. How do I know I will love you, because right now all that I feel is miserable and regret towards you. How am I going to look at you, and say 'I love you' and mean it when right now the only thing I want to happen is for you to disappear? I feel like a terrible person for thinking this, I know how many couples would kill to have a baby, be pregnant and expediting all of these emotions. Watching their belly grow, feeling the baby move, have cravings, morning sickness. They would enjoy it, but all I feel is miserable. I want to just want to lock myself in my room and pray that it all goes away. Maybe I’m being selfish, keeping something I don't want, that I never wanted. I feel like I should give someone the greatest gift possible. I just don't know how I would cope with that. How do I go through 9 months of pregnancy, the hate, pain, lost opportunities then just had a baby over. I feel it's the 'easy way out' I made the mistake and I’m just handing it because I can't deal with it, I can't change and don't want to change everything for a baby I feel I can't love. I feel so useless, worthless, like I’m nothing that I don't deserve to love this baby, I can't love this baby. My emotions change from feeling sorry for myself, too angry, to upset. I think I can't have this baby, I’m not good enough, and I can't be good enough. Why me, why? I just keep playing that question in my head. What do I have to does it makes it go away, what do I have to do to change these feelings. I don't know what I want to do, or what I’m going to do. How 6 months ago felt normal compared to now, what I would do to go back to those days.