I don't know

I don't know what to even write here anymore. The struggle to open my eyes everyday is becoming harder and harder. I don't know what to think anymore, I don't know how I am. I'm not the same girl who started this blog a few months ago. I guess I was still carefree. I hadn't expected everything to be this hard, make so many choices so quickly. Choices that change my life. I'm now nearly 19 weeks pregnant, thats 19 weeks of my life I won't get back. I don't know what to think, my words just never seem to come out right. I have had weeks of sleepless nights trying to figure out whats best for me and this baby. One night my mind sets it's self on adoption, the nest keeping it. Does it have to be this hard? Can't I toss a coin to get an outcome? The problem with keeping this baby is not to do with money as most teen parents worry about, it's the emotional side of things. I know if I keep this baby it will be really well loved and spoilt by everyone expect for me. That can't be fair can it? People say i'll grow into it, that when I see my baby i'll love it more than ever. But feeling like this right now makes my confidence in that statement fade a little more each day. I don't know if I can take that risk? Then adoption, the child would be such an amazing gift and be surrounded by love and happiness. But I don't know if I could cope with that. I know that sounds so stupid, that I feel like i can't love this baby then I feel like can't handel having him/her adopted out. But thats what all this trouble is. How can I make the choice that is right for me and the baby? There is no clear choice and I don't want to have any more regrets than I already do. I'll try to update more, about the pregnancy rather than my thoughts and turmoil, but I guess it's all part of the pregnancy.