Being Normal; Oh I how I wish I could have been a normal teenager. Bought up by parents who cared about what I did. Set boundaries, gave me a reason to hate them because they set my cerfew too early or I was caught coming home after I wasn't meant to be out. It just strikes me that if I had some normality in my life I probably, actually I wouldn't have ended up like this, in a rebellious state. Now I wish I could just be a normal teenager, be worrying abaout problems with boys or having silly little fights with my friends. Going out every now and then, having fun. Getting average marks and just enjoying high school life and being and teenager before i have to grow up and start to make it in the real world. I regret the choices I made, the life I made for myself. I see that now.
Relationship with James; I knew it would always cause me trouble, yet I still went there. I don't know why it took me to fall pregnant to realise just how out of touch he was with the world and me. He made everything out to be such an effort, like going to the movies or coming with me or staying sober enough to take me home after a party or at least walk me to my ride. He never said 'I love you' or send me sweet little text messages. All the little things which matter and make up the relationship. I never once felt those feelings though, I always just blamed it on James being James, rather than James just not giving a shit. Oh how love can be so blind.
This Baby; I don't know the first thing about being mom, how do I know what each cry means? When the baby is hungry, tired or just crying because it can? First I need to make it through the pregnancy. I know i'm going to be getting all types of negative attention in a week or two at school. It seems to be happening really fast, i'm 12 weeks 2 days now, I found out only yesterday it feels like. This is just real, the baby is coming whether I like it or i'm ready. I feeel stupid for making such a big mistake. This baby didn't ask for a teenage mother, someone who can't even look after herself, let alone another human being. Yet I can't think of not having this baby. Does it make me a bad person? I feel like a bad person, I feel like everything is unbalanced. A 16 year old isn't meant to be a mother, and even if they are they can't be the best, even if they want to be. I don't have my own house, spportive partner, money, maturity. It all seems like such a joke, why did it happen to me?
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