Kasarna Phoenix

My beautiful baby girl arrived in this world just over 3 months ago. She's perfect in every way and she's the most important thing in my life.

Kasarna Phoenix Stevens

May 5th 2011 @ 8.12am

9lb 2oz, 21 inches

Since then I can't say how much life has changed. Being a mommy is amazingly hard, it challenges everything you know about yourself, your instincts and no longer just looking out for yourself but another innocent human being who depends on you for everything. I smile whenever I see her face in the morning, she's the light of my life. Things have been hard though, I suffered from mild Post Natal Depression about a month after having her. I struggled to get into the mind set of being a mother, I felt like when she cried I was just doing something wrong, that I wasn't being a good mom to her. I would get fed up and upset and then she could tell I wasn't myself and cry some more. I thankfully I had great support from my mum and two sisters. They helped take care of Kasarna when I just couldn't do it anymore. Some days are still better than others but i'm understanding my baby girl so much more, knowing what her cries mean and learning to have patience and it's not just because i'm young, it happens to everyone. She's completely healthy and growing perfectly, she just had her 3 months check up and is now 15lbs 8oz and 24 1/4 inches <3 She's starting to hold her head up and is smiling all the time XD I feel like I have made the right choice and I don't have any regrets except her father isn't here to share this wonderful gift with me. I have a few other little updates to do, and i'll do it over the next few days.

Password & Updates

I changed my password the other day on stardoll; I do it every few weeks to stop people hacking into my account. But now I can't remember it for the life of me! I have tried so many to get in with so many different combinations, but I guess its baby brain :/ I also tried to get it sent to my email address, but according to stardoll there is no account with my email. So I guess I’ll make a new account if I can't get in.

I can't believe I’m nearly 30 weeks pregnant! It's really crazy. My little girl is going to be here really soon and I’m running around like crazy to get her room ready and everything else I need for her. I got paint for her room, and my dad is starting the painting tomorrow. I got a really light purple, lilac for the walls and I’m going to get some stencil/boarders in pink or even green for the top of the walls. I'm getting some pink or purple bedding after school tomorrow as well as getting some cute outfits and other things. I have a crib and changing table, but nothing else really so got a lot of shopping to do over the next few weeks. I'm also going to decide on her name, either Kennedy or Tasmyn and get those letters to put above her crib. I'm still at school, and it's just exhausting! It's such a challenge to get up every morning and when I come home all I want to do is sleep. With my slipping grades I don't know what the plan is when the baby comes. I wanted to take 6 weeks or a bit longer off and then go back but I just don't know. My mom wants to speak to my guidance counsellor in the next week, but I’m dreading what she's going to say. Because I know they want to keep young moms in schools, but I really don't think I’m going to be ready to go back to school after the baby comes. Who knows where I will end up really, but my daughter is my number one priority and is always going to come first.

28 weeks, Names and Choice

I really have to pinch myself that i'm 28 weeks pregnant! Only 12 weeks (3 months) to go until i'm a mom. Things are going really well I have no signs of an early labor which is good. I fell HUGE and i'm wearing all maturnity clothes now. I'm still at school, which sucks. I'm so tired all the time and falling behind already. I really don't want to drop out and have been trying so hard to stay focused and work hard but it's juts not happening. I have slipped from an average B+ to a C in a matter of months and thats without a baby :/ My mom isn't to impressed to say the least she's starting to doubt that i'll garduate high school. I have been trying so hard but as soon as I get home from school I sleep. I guess all those sleepless nights at the start of my pregnancy are coming back to bite me. I have made my choice and i'm going to keep my baby. I spoke on the phone to my adoption consellor for hours 2 weeks ago and the next day my mom and I went in to see her. She told me that having these second thoughts could cause me to make a huge mistake and end up regreting it. It wasn't too late to call it off and everyone would understand. So I spent another night just working it all over in my head and came to my choice to be a mom. I have alot of support and no it won't be the perfect or most ideal situation but my daugther is going to be loved and taken care of no matter what. I also found out at my 28 week appointment that I am in fact having a GIRL XD I think thats the first time I have actually felt a buzz of excitiment during the pregnancy. I still doubt myself alot, I wonder how this big mess is going to work out. 6 months ago I was your typical high school junior, not look at the mess i'm in! I have narrowed down the names and she's either going to be named Tasmyn Marie or Kennedy Grace Stevens. Thats about all really the last few months have just been me trying to make a choice. I feel a whole lot better now I have made one, but i'm still concerned with whether it was the right one :/

My Choice

I have made so many mistakes during 2010 and I have made 2011 about fixing it. I'm 17 and pregnant, my baby will be here in May, if not earlier, I’m single and the father wants nothing to do with me or the baby. It's been the hardest few months of my life, my head telling me one thing, my heart the other. I have cried too many tears to count, it's the hardest choice I have had to make, but now I don't think making it is going to be the hardest part, being able to follow through is going to be terrible. I have tossed up in my mind and on paper for endless hours and it's only been the past few days I have come to the conclusion I’m not ready to be a mom. Not at this point in my life, sure I could give my child a home, food we are not short on money, but I don't think I could be a parent. I'm not ready for that, I’m not saying I don't love my baby. I do, but he/she deserves more than what I am. I'm not emotionally ready, I’m a single mom and it's not fair on them. They deserve a better life, with parents who can love them, care for them and are ready to be parents. I don't want my child to suffer for my mistakes. Needless to say from the above I’m putting my child up for adoption. I'm meeting with the agency tomorrow to get some profiles on couples, and then my mom and I are going to pick the perfect one for my baby. I want an open adoption, so I can receive letters and updates on him/her and even the occasional visit on special occasions. I don't want to be there all the time and I know the parents won't want that either, I need to be able to move on and focus on my future or everything I am doing just won't be worth it. I feel at bit at peace having made a choice, the choice let will allow my child to blossom and be given the best chance at life.

Life, Pregnancy, Christmas, Boyfriend?

I guess I should probably update my blog more often, I must admit I have gotten pretty slack with the updates! So lets just go through the things the title says, Life is going alright for the moment. People seem to be geunionly happy for me when I tell them i'm expecting a baby. I don't know why though, i'm 17, I don't want a baby and the father is no where in it's life. I guess the thing that has been pissing me off is my so-called-friends. They don't seem to understand I have feelings? I mean who knew really! I tell them how I feel about this baby and next thing it's all around school. I have people preching to me about all this different stuff and to see a doctor, counsellor they can help and to think about adoption not abortion (which I wasn't anyways, I mean if I was going to I would have done it 4 months ago!) I mean I tell my 'friends' these things in private if I wanted the world to know about my feelings I would speak openly about it! People just don't seem to care anymore. My pregnancy is normal (thats what my doctor tells me but I wouldn't know I have never been pregnant before) No more morning sickness anymore, baby is kicking an awful lot especailly at night which is doing wonders for my sleeping pattern. I think I might finally get round to doing some things in the nursery this week. I don't know why I have been putting it off, guess when the cribs up and the walls are painted its all so permanent. I really don't know but I need to get it finished because i'm already 22 weeks and it just seems to be flying by! Especially the last few weeks, they have gone really fast! And MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone. I had a nice day with family and friends, got some lovely gifts and a hell of alot of baby stuff! I mean it's nice to get all tose wonderful things and saves me alot because I don't have to buy them, but the baby isn't even here yet and it's all about him/her makes me feel a little insignificant. I know that sounds so stupid, but it's my feelings. It's like i still want to be a teenager, not a pregnant teenager or a mom yet. And the last bit of my title, Boyfriend XD I have met a really nice guy, his name is Brendan. He is 18 and recently moved into our street. He's a senior at my high school and just a really sweet guy. We have been hanging out alot and just getting to knwo each other, nothing serious yet but we do certainly have some kind of connection. He doesn't care i'm pregnant, well he doesn't show it and he's really caring and kind. The type of guy I need in my life right now. I guess i'll see where it all takes me.

Pink or Blue?

So I had my 20 week ultrasound and I was a little excitied because I would be (if i could) finding out the gender. I had hoped that knowing the sex of my baby and being able to prepare more would make my choice clearer. I don't know what I expected really, to know the gender and instantly fall in love with my baby. Do a total 360 turn and want to be a mom and be ready to be a mom? Really I don't know why I think half the things I do anymore. It's like I still somehow live in a magical fairyland and everything is going to be alright. Of course nothing ever goes as expected and because of the baby's position they couldn't tell me for sure the gender. My doctor does however think it's a GIRL (70%) but because she can't see any boy parts because of the position it could still be a boy. I'll know for sure though at my next ultrasound. My doctor did tell me not to get my hopes up on either gender because nothing is certain yet. Of course it would only happen to me, so I basically have another couple of weeks without knowing anything for sure. But after all this I have started preparing some names as well as getting a few things started on the nursery. I need to get some more pictures up but haven't had time, especially with school and everythign else going on. I'll post the names below.

Kenzie Adeline Stevens
Payton Amelia Stevens
Aaliyah Montana Stevens
*Tasmyn Marie Stevens
Elora Reese Stevens
Morgaine Stephanie Stevens
Nayomee Luna Stevens
Aylin Cassidy Stevens
*Ariana Nicole Stevens
Eva Lousie Stevens
Audrey May Stevens
Phoebe Renee Stevens
*Brooklynn Hazel Stevens
*Kennedy Jane Stevens
Lyra-Marie Stevens
*Cheyenne Grace Stevens
*Ellery Jolene Stevens
Shayla (needs middle name) Stevens


Layton Keith Stevens
*Bentley Quinn Stevens
*Elliott Hunter Stevens
Lucas Bradley Stevens
*Skyler Clark Stevens
Fletcher Michael Stevens
*Oliver Austin Stevens
Mason Ryan-James Stevens
Jonah (needs middle name) Stevens
Isaac Haden Stevens
Malachi James Stevens
Lucian Jensen Stevens
*Colson Griffin Stevens
*Finn Thomas Stevens

*=my favourites
I have a few more girls names than boys, but girls names are totally more fun to pick out!

Gender?

It's only a few more days until i'm 20 weeks pregnant and I have my untrasound booked and I can also find out the gender then. I don't know if I really want to. I want to, because I think it may make the choice easier. I may feel more of a connection of my baby and find this choice alot easier because i'm still so confused. I don't really have a perference for a certain gender. I know some people do, they want a girl or a boy. I just don't really want a baby. I don't want to find out the gender because i'm scared, it's going to just make everything more real than it already is and my mind will be made up, and i'll have to keep the baby. I don't know so much to think about. I guess i'll just make my mind up on the day...