Life, Pregnancy, Christmas, Boyfriend?

I guess I should probably update my blog more often, I must admit I have gotten pretty slack with the updates! So lets just go through the things the title says, Life is going alright for the moment. People seem to be geunionly happy for me when I tell them i'm expecting a baby. I don't know why though, i'm 17, I don't want a baby and the father is no where in it's life. I guess the thing that has been pissing me off is my so-called-friends. They don't seem to understand I have feelings? I mean who knew really! I tell them how I feel about this baby and next thing it's all around school. I have people preching to me about all this different stuff and to see a doctor, counsellor they can help and to think about adoption not abortion (which I wasn't anyways, I mean if I was going to I would have done it 4 months ago!) I mean I tell my 'friends' these things in private if I wanted the world to know about my feelings I would speak openly about it! People just don't seem to care anymore. My pregnancy is normal (thats what my doctor tells me but I wouldn't know I have never been pregnant before) No more morning sickness anymore, baby is kicking an awful lot especailly at night which is doing wonders for my sleeping pattern. I think I might finally get round to doing some things in the nursery this week. I don't know why I have been putting it off, guess when the cribs up and the walls are painted its all so permanent. I really don't know but I need to get it finished because i'm already 22 weeks and it just seems to be flying by! Especially the last few weeks, they have gone really fast! And MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone. I had a nice day with family and friends, got some lovely gifts and a hell of alot of baby stuff! I mean it's nice to get all tose wonderful things and saves me alot because I don't have to buy them, but the baby isn't even here yet and it's all about him/her makes me feel a little insignificant. I know that sounds so stupid, but it's my feelings. It's like i still want to be a teenager, not a pregnant teenager or a mom yet. And the last bit of my title, Boyfriend XD I have met a really nice guy, his name is Brendan. He is 18 and recently moved into our street. He's a senior at my high school and just a really sweet guy. We have been hanging out alot and just getting to knwo each other, nothing serious yet but we do certainly have some kind of connection. He doesn't care i'm pregnant, well he doesn't show it and he's really caring and kind. The type of guy I need in my life right now. I guess i'll see where it all takes me.

Pink or Blue?

So I had my 20 week ultrasound and I was a little excitied because I would be (if i could) finding out the gender. I had hoped that knowing the sex of my baby and being able to prepare more would make my choice clearer. I don't know what I expected really, to know the gender and instantly fall in love with my baby. Do a total 360 turn and want to be a mom and be ready to be a mom? Really I don't know why I think half the things I do anymore. It's like I still somehow live in a magical fairyland and everything is going to be alright. Of course nothing ever goes as expected and because of the baby's position they couldn't tell me for sure the gender. My doctor does however think it's a GIRL (70%) but because she can't see any boy parts because of the position it could still be a boy. I'll know for sure though at my next ultrasound. My doctor did tell me not to get my hopes up on either gender because nothing is certain yet. Of course it would only happen to me, so I basically have another couple of weeks without knowing anything for sure. But after all this I have started preparing some names as well as getting a few things started on the nursery. I need to get some more pictures up but haven't had time, especially with school and everythign else going on. I'll post the names below.

Kenzie Adeline Stevens
Payton Amelia Stevens
Aaliyah Montana Stevens
*Tasmyn Marie Stevens
Elora Reese Stevens
Morgaine Stephanie Stevens
Nayomee Luna Stevens
Aylin Cassidy Stevens
*Ariana Nicole Stevens
Eva Lousie Stevens
Audrey May Stevens
Phoebe Renee Stevens
*Brooklynn Hazel Stevens
*Kennedy Jane Stevens
Lyra-Marie Stevens
*Cheyenne Grace Stevens
*Ellery Jolene Stevens
Shayla (needs middle name) Stevens


Layton Keith Stevens
*Bentley Quinn Stevens
*Elliott Hunter Stevens
Lucas Bradley Stevens
*Skyler Clark Stevens
Fletcher Michael Stevens
*Oliver Austin Stevens
Mason Ryan-James Stevens
Jonah (needs middle name) Stevens
Isaac Haden Stevens
Malachi James Stevens
Lucian Jensen Stevens
*Colson Griffin Stevens
*Finn Thomas Stevens

*=my favourites
I have a few more girls names than boys, but girls names are totally more fun to pick out!

Gender?

It's only a few more days until i'm 20 weeks pregnant and I have my untrasound booked and I can also find out the gender then. I don't know if I really want to. I want to, because I think it may make the choice easier. I may feel more of a connection of my baby and find this choice alot easier because i'm still so confused. I don't really have a perference for a certain gender. I know some people do, they want a girl or a boy. I just don't really want a baby. I don't want to find out the gender because i'm scared, it's going to just make everything more real than it already is and my mind will be made up, and i'll have to keep the baby. I don't know so much to think about. I guess i'll just make my mind up on the day...

I don't know

I don't know what to even write here anymore. The struggle to open my eyes everyday is becoming harder and harder. I don't know what to think anymore, I don't know how I am. I'm not the same girl who started this blog a few months ago. I guess I was still carefree. I hadn't expected everything to be this hard, make so many choices so quickly. Choices that change my life. I'm now nearly 19 weeks pregnant, thats 19 weeks of my life I won't get back. I don't know what to think, my words just never seem to come out right. I have had weeks of sleepless nights trying to figure out whats best for me and this baby. One night my mind sets it's self on adoption, the nest keeping it. Does it have to be this hard? Can't I toss a coin to get an outcome? The problem with keeping this baby is not to do with money as most teen parents worry about, it's the emotional side of things. I know if I keep this baby it will be really well loved and spoilt by everyone expect for me. That can't be fair can it? People say i'll grow into it, that when I see my baby i'll love it more than ever. But feeling like this right now makes my confidence in that statement fade a little more each day. I don't know if I can take that risk? Then adoption, the child would be such an amazing gift and be surrounded by love and happiness. But I don't know if I could cope with that. I know that sounds so stupid, that I feel like i can't love this baby then I feel like can't handel having him/her adopted out. But thats what all this trouble is. How can I make the choice that is right for me and the baby? There is no clear choice and I don't want to have any more regrets than I already do. I'll try to update more, about the pregnancy rather than my thoughts and turmoil, but I guess it's all part of the pregnancy.