Kasarna Phoenix

My beautiful baby girl arrived in this world just over 3 months ago. She's perfect in every way and she's the most important thing in my life.

Kasarna Phoenix Stevens

May 5th 2011 @ 8.12am

9lb 2oz, 21 inches

Since then I can't say how much life has changed. Being a mommy is amazingly hard, it challenges everything you know about yourself, your instincts and no longer just looking out for yourself but another innocent human being who depends on you for everything. I smile whenever I see her face in the morning, she's the light of my life. Things have been hard though, I suffered from mild Post Natal Depression about a month after having her. I struggled to get into the mind set of being a mother, I felt like when she cried I was just doing something wrong, that I wasn't being a good mom to her. I would get fed up and upset and then she could tell I wasn't myself and cry some more. I thankfully I had great support from my mum and two sisters. They helped take care of Kasarna when I just couldn't do it anymore. Some days are still better than others but i'm understanding my baby girl so much more, knowing what her cries mean and learning to have patience and it's not just because i'm young, it happens to everyone. She's completely healthy and growing perfectly, she just had her 3 months check up and is now 15lbs 8oz and 24 1/4 inches <3 She's starting to hold her head up and is smiling all the time XD I feel like I have made the right choice and I don't have any regrets except her father isn't here to share this wonderful gift with me. I have a few other little updates to do, and i'll do it over the next few days.

Password & Updates

I changed my password the other day on stardoll; I do it every few weeks to stop people hacking into my account. But now I can't remember it for the life of me! I have tried so many to get in with so many different combinations, but I guess its baby brain :/ I also tried to get it sent to my email address, but according to stardoll there is no account with my email. So I guess I’ll make a new account if I can't get in.

I can't believe I’m nearly 30 weeks pregnant! It's really crazy. My little girl is going to be here really soon and I’m running around like crazy to get her room ready and everything else I need for her. I got paint for her room, and my dad is starting the painting tomorrow. I got a really light purple, lilac for the walls and I’m going to get some stencil/boarders in pink or even green for the top of the walls. I'm getting some pink or purple bedding after school tomorrow as well as getting some cute outfits and other things. I have a crib and changing table, but nothing else really so got a lot of shopping to do over the next few weeks. I'm also going to decide on her name, either Kennedy or Tasmyn and get those letters to put above her crib. I'm still at school, and it's just exhausting! It's such a challenge to get up every morning and when I come home all I want to do is sleep. With my slipping grades I don't know what the plan is when the baby comes. I wanted to take 6 weeks or a bit longer off and then go back but I just don't know. My mom wants to speak to my guidance counsellor in the next week, but I’m dreading what she's going to say. Because I know they want to keep young moms in schools, but I really don't think I’m going to be ready to go back to school after the baby comes. Who knows where I will end up really, but my daughter is my number one priority and is always going to come first.

28 weeks, Names and Choice

I really have to pinch myself that i'm 28 weeks pregnant! Only 12 weeks (3 months) to go until i'm a mom. Things are going really well I have no signs of an early labor which is good. I fell HUGE and i'm wearing all maturnity clothes now. I'm still at school, which sucks. I'm so tired all the time and falling behind already. I really don't want to drop out and have been trying so hard to stay focused and work hard but it's juts not happening. I have slipped from an average B+ to a C in a matter of months and thats without a baby :/ My mom isn't to impressed to say the least she's starting to doubt that i'll garduate high school. I have been trying so hard but as soon as I get home from school I sleep. I guess all those sleepless nights at the start of my pregnancy are coming back to bite me. I have made my choice and i'm going to keep my baby. I spoke on the phone to my adoption consellor for hours 2 weeks ago and the next day my mom and I went in to see her. She told me that having these second thoughts could cause me to make a huge mistake and end up regreting it. It wasn't too late to call it off and everyone would understand. So I spent another night just working it all over in my head and came to my choice to be a mom. I have alot of support and no it won't be the perfect or most ideal situation but my daugther is going to be loved and taken care of no matter what. I also found out at my 28 week appointment that I am in fact having a GIRL XD I think thats the first time I have actually felt a buzz of excitiment during the pregnancy. I still doubt myself alot, I wonder how this big mess is going to work out. 6 months ago I was your typical high school junior, not look at the mess i'm in! I have narrowed down the names and she's either going to be named Tasmyn Marie or Kennedy Grace Stevens. Thats about all really the last few months have just been me trying to make a choice. I feel a whole lot better now I have made one, but i'm still concerned with whether it was the right one :/

My Choice

I have made so many mistakes during 2010 and I have made 2011 about fixing it. I'm 17 and pregnant, my baby will be here in May, if not earlier, I’m single and the father wants nothing to do with me or the baby. It's been the hardest few months of my life, my head telling me one thing, my heart the other. I have cried too many tears to count, it's the hardest choice I have had to make, but now I don't think making it is going to be the hardest part, being able to follow through is going to be terrible. I have tossed up in my mind and on paper for endless hours and it's only been the past few days I have come to the conclusion I’m not ready to be a mom. Not at this point in my life, sure I could give my child a home, food we are not short on money, but I don't think I could be a parent. I'm not ready for that, I’m not saying I don't love my baby. I do, but he/she deserves more than what I am. I'm not emotionally ready, I’m a single mom and it's not fair on them. They deserve a better life, with parents who can love them, care for them and are ready to be parents. I don't want my child to suffer for my mistakes. Needless to say from the above I’m putting my child up for adoption. I'm meeting with the agency tomorrow to get some profiles on couples, and then my mom and I are going to pick the perfect one for my baby. I want an open adoption, so I can receive letters and updates on him/her and even the occasional visit on special occasions. I don't want to be there all the time and I know the parents won't want that either, I need to be able to move on and focus on my future or everything I am doing just won't be worth it. I feel at bit at peace having made a choice, the choice let will allow my child to blossom and be given the best chance at life.