Adoptions Vs Keeping it

My head is plauged with constant thoughts of what my life would  be like as a teen mom, as a single mom at 17 years old. I wish I could go back in time and take back everything, take back the last few years of my life, just re-do them. Change my ways and live and make everything worthwhile. But the truth is I can't, I can't take anything back this is my life now. I'm so miserable, there hasn't been a night in the last 3 months where I haven't gone to sleep without crying. I'm not myself, I don't smile anymore, i'm not eating and if I am it's just junk food. I don't talk to my friends anymore. I'm isolated in my own little world. My mom and I are fighting all the time over whats going to happen with this baby. I feel nothing towards it, I feel like i'm just getting fat, or that it's a terrible sickness that isn't going away. Looking back as terrible as it sounds I wish I had an abortion. I can't handle it all. I'm scared that if I pick adoption in some strange turn of events I won't be able to do it, how can I look at my baby every few months and see him/her calling someone else mommy? Then a closed adoption, to never see or hear my childs voice again, I don't think I could live like that. Then on the other side, keeping the baby. I can't even begin to think about how hard it will be. Who much of my life will be put on hold. I don't think i'm ready for it, I don't think I can do it. I don't know how people do it, how can one person be so strong? How can a teenager be expected to care for a whole other life? I just don't know. I'm so scared about everything thats happening to me.

17 weeks :O

So i'm now 17 weeks. I have included a picture. I have put on soooo much weight, and it's not because i'm pregnant it's because i'm getting fat! All I seem to do is sit on the couch and eat! I mean i'm just not motivated to do anything else. I feel so unfit, unhappy. I know I should keep up with some walking or something just to keep fit and healthy. My morning sickness has finally stopped! I still feel a bit gross some mornings but I haven't actually thrown up in nearly a week! Thats at least one good thing that has happened. My back has really started to ache this week, it's just their constantly. It's not unbareable, but it's annoying and in certain positions it gets really uncomfortable. At 16 weeks 6 days I felt my first movement! I don't know if it was a kick or just baby moving. It was so strange, I don't know how to describe it, it just felt so real, that it's all happening now. This week mom is paying people to come and paint the nursery. I really wanted to work on it and do it but she doesn't want me anywhere near the paint - even though you can get speical paint that you can use when your pregnant and thinks thats its too much work for me and thats what people work for so we can pay them to paint. She's so uptight about everything! I know we have money and everything but she just throws it around and because w ehave money we can't possibly paint our own room! There is just no point to even say a word because in the end she is supporting me and thats what I need. I also have support from my cousin who I spoke to on facebook yesterday! It was so great to talk to her again, she's so amazing and i miss her so much, she is more of a sister to me than Daniella. She's really excitied about me having a baby, where Daniella just looks me up and down, nothing has changed really. Casey ven said she's coming to visit after Christmas! It really made my night! I'm just off subject now, i'll post again in a few days!



Bump Pictures

I took my frist set of pregnancy/bump photos today. My mom has been pushing it so much she thinks I should go get them professionally done and all that crap! She keeps saying how beautiful pregnancy is, all I feel is horrible all the time, ashamed and embarssed! I just grabbed my dads camera a took a couple. I'm 16 1/2 week here, I have a couple more but they don't seem to want to upload right now so i'll add them later. I'll take more at 17 weeks and try and do them every week or so. I have only just started to really show the last 2 weeks, so i'll be growing each week for sure :\

Names

Kenzie Adeline
Paris Lyric / Paris Roselyn
Payton Amelia
Aaliyah Montana / Aaliyah Gabrielle
Tasmyn Abigail / *Tasmyn Marie
*Elora Reese / Elora Hailey
Morgaine Stephanie
Erin Marie / Erin Patience
*Nayomee Luna / Nayomee Ivy
MaKenna Bailey
*Aylin Cassidy

Layton Keith
Bentley Reagan / *Bentley Quinn
Elliott Davion / Elliott Hunter
Lucas Bradley
*Skyler Clark / Skyler Nathan
Fletcher Colton / Fletcher Michael
Colton Ashton / Colton Skyler
Zavier Noah
Oliver Mason / *Oliver Austin

* = my favourite names

Updates 14 - 16 weeks

I can't believe i'm not 16 weeks pregnant. It's all happening so fast i'm not prepared for all this yet! I know I have been lacking in updates the past few weeks but I have just been so busy with school, parents, baby stuff. So the last two weeks have been just hetic. Finally my morning sickness has started to ease off. Mornings are alot easier to get up and go to school now, I don't spend an hour on the bathroom floor just throwing up. My belly and bump and now really visable I 'popped' last week. So now everyone at school can basically tell that i'm pregnant. I have had a few girls come up and offer to support me and talk about it which is really nice but i'm still clearly the outsider. I mean we are all connected by being pregnant or having children but I'm just the different girl I never was one of them, i'm not proud or happy about being pregnant. My mom keeps pushing me to do the teen mom extension program so i can graduate early but I don't think I can be around all pregnant girls all day. I mean most are excitied about becoming a mom. they are picking names talking about buying clothes and what they are doing with the nursery. Most are also still with the father. It just makes everything so complicated. My mom has also been really pushing names and getting everything ready. It's really annoying because I just want to pretend like it's all not happening. The crib arrived last week and is still sitting where the delivery guy dropped it off. I mean most girls would have put it up got all blankets and toys and filled it up. I just feel like when i open it it's going to spell the end of my life. I have thought of a couple of names and I will post them in a seperate post. I am thinkful my mom is pushing me and doing so many things, I mean it needs to be done I just don't want to do it. I know I can't keep putting it off this pregnancy isn't being put off. I also had my birthday at the begining of the month. i was going to blog but didn't have much to say. I just felt like crap. I saw relatives who I hadn't told the news to yet. Well my mom had and all i got was stuff for thee baby. So it didn't even feel like my birthday. Everyone seems to be more positive than I am, saying everythign will be fine and will work out. I just can't see anything working out. I can't seemmyself rasing a baby and being happy. I don't want to give up my life for this baby. It's not fair for me or this baby that i'm feeling like this. When i tell someone they just tell me to put it up for adoption, I can't do that either. I feel selfish and horrible. I'm twisted and confused. My mind flips to one thing then flops back. How can i be expetced to care for another life? Also an update on James. My mom said we neededd to file for child support, we have given him enough time to come around and he hasn't. So we went over to his parents house to tell them about it and they got the shock of their lives because he hadn't even told them I was pregnant let alone it was his baby. They had heard things about me being pregnant and asked him but he just didn't answer. They were mad and disappointed in both of us. But they said they wanted to be in the childs life as it is there grandchild even if James isn't. I don't know how I feel about that truely. They also asked not to file child support right away that they would help out with expenses and also talk to James and try to get him to step up and deal with it. It just adds to the drama. I don't want him half back in my life thinking he can see his child but leave whenever he wants as well. My life just contuines to get complicated!

Just a note

I don't care what your life is like, I don't care who you date, who you kiss and who you do god knows what with! You're immature, childish and don't deserve the title of a father. You walk around showing off what you believe is a perfect life, your new perfect girlfriend who is more plastic than a barbie doll! You don't seem to have a care in the world, you pretend like everything is alright, you pass me and I feel you look at my belly but you don't have the heart to stop and talk with me, ask if everything is okay. Ask about YOUR baby. After being hurt enough i'm not going to take it anymore. You didn't have to be involved if you didn't want to but I needed your support! You have a baby who needs your support. But now i'm not going to watch you or let you hurt me or my baby anymore. You're nothing to me anymore! You are not this babys father and never will. You're a cold hearted coward and I want nothing to do with you. I will make sure you are mnot in mine or the babys life. You will however be paying for this child. I don't care that you are broke. It takes two to make a baby and whatever money and benifits I can get from you will go towards building a better life for myself and my baby. I really hope you wake up one day and realise when it's too late what you have lost. Right now keep on living your pathetic little life. You're dead to me!

Teen Mom Program?

So my mom made me an appointment at a Teen Mom extension program. It allows me to graduate early with full credits so I don't have to worry about finishing school or anything when the baby comes. Personally I don't want to do this extension program; I want to just continue with normal school, with my friends. I want to graduate with the people I have been with my whole high school life. My mom seems very set on sending me to this program, she has left the choice up to me, but it talking it all up and I have a test day next week. I don't know why she is so set on me going; I don't see why she wants me to go so badly. When the baby does come I’ll take probably 2 months off school then would go back and complete my senior year. I want to be there for senior year; I don't want to accelerate past all that and never get to experience it. I'm going to miss out on so much already when the baby comes, I don't want to miss out on this as well. I also don't want a lot of change, I have enough that’s going to change I want to keep one thing normal in my life, school seems to be that constant. Well I’m 15 weeks tomorrow, I can't believe it really. Going really fast, I’m showing now and it's hard to hide it. I'll do an update post soon.

Dear Baby;

Dear Baby;

You are nearly 15 weeks in the making, that’s only 25 weeks until I meet you. I know 25 weeks will just fly by and you will be here before I know it. It seems weird that I have such strong, emotional feelings for you, something so small that’s only a few inches long. It’s so strange, people keep telling me everything will work out, things have a way of working themselves out and not to stress, but I feel I have no control or anything. No control over my body, it’s just getting bigger, my life anymore everything is going to change in a few short months when you arrive. I still don’t know how to love you, how to feel about you. I just want a sign, to know that everything will be alright, we will be alright. I think things would be a lot easier if you daddy was in our lives. I know it’s not going to be great growing up with just a mom – me as a mom. I wish there was some way he would come back, I know that somehow he does love you, he will love you. I have to believe that. I have to believe that I will love you too. I started painting your room, then couldn’t finish. The paint just seemed so permanent, that room wouldn’t be the same after it. It was like a metaphor about you in my life. I don’t want you to ever feel unloved, unappreciated, or that I never wanted you. It’s hard to explain all my feelings, to tell you that they were all lies or just pregnancy emotions. I know most of them are and I’ll move past them. But deep, deep down I’m worried that it’s actually telling me something. Maybe I’m not ready to love like this yet, take on the challenge. Maybe I’ll only let you down, maybe you deserve better than all of this, and maybe this was just one big mistake.  Maybe I should stop taking chances that what’s gotten me here. Maybe I should just listen to that little voice in my head for once, do the sensible thing. Give up and close this chapter? But then I think about you, I talk to you and somehow I feel a tiny bit closer to you, just somehow I feel like you’re here for a reason, one I really don’t understand. I just wish things would make sense, be black and white. Baby I feel horrible every day, please give me something to believe in again!

-Lori (your mommy)